Julian Williams ON: "Recycling" by Julian Williams

I don't believe in it. Period. It pisses me off and I don't believe in it.

NOTE: Please bare with me because you're about to hate me.

1) it makes me accountable for other people's BS. (And, in turn, them accountable for mine.)

2) It's never easy. It's always a hassle. You always need special bags and to find the right place and sometimes it's a lot of work for little or no money. 

3) It makes being a shitty person OK. Because someone will turn your shitty actions into something worthwhile. You need to stop being so shitty.

4) I don't understand how paper is made but the whole idea of coming from trees seems questionable at best. There's always an abundance of trees and a shit ton of paper. I don't see a correlation at all.

5) I don't have time. 

6) I'm tired always.

7) More.

It's just not for me. Some people don't like anchovies. My anchovies is recycling. I don't want it on my pizza and I don't want it in my life.

Julian Williams ON: "Destination Weddings" by Julian Williams

You meet someone. You really care about them and fall for them. Things are great. You're in love. Very happy. Having fun with them. Thinking of sharing a life with them. This is all great stuff. You have my full support on this! You really do. Primarily, because none of this requires me to do a goddamn thing on my end.

When you decide to get married, more power to you. You want to legally bind yourself to someone in an institution with a 50% success rate, totally fine with me. Again, this requires zero effort on my end.

However, when you throw your wedding 100 miles from my home, THIS REQUIRES EFFORT ON MY END. 

Why does YOUR love require me to fly to Aruba? Why do we have to celebrate your legal partnership in England when you both live in Westchester County? You know you're going to divorce this person. You KNOW you are. Everyone knows you will. Why do we have to go to the Bahamas to watch the beginning of the end? Why can't we do that Philly?

I think destination weddings are a burden on people that genuinely want to see you happy, but don't want to uproot their lives and a couple thousand dollars to do so. I think a destination wedding is indicative of a selfish person(s)...which is indicative of how your marriage may go.

But, maybe, that shit's just me.

Julian Williams ON: "Bidets" by Julian Williams

Oh, it's been a minute. I've got to get the gears grinding again. The wheels turning. My thoughts thoughting.

I've got to think about shooting water up in the bootyhole.

I'll be frank: this is not something I've ever done or plan on trying out. In my experience, shit can be finicky. Not shit as in stuff, but as in actual shit. I would not spray water at shit. I would not spray water at shit that is still stuck on my person. This, to me, seems like an inherently dumb idea.

Furthermore, I don't see the point of getting a bidet if you have a detachable shower head, or better yet, a hose. Just get the hose and do the thumb on the top trick. Get a buddy and have him put his thumb on top of the hose and spray the butthole. This may sound gross, but if you're truly concerned with having a clean exit door, just blindly shooting water up there is not going to do it. If you need surgery, you don't just get a knife and go messing about yourself: you get a doctor. I think having a friend spray your butthole with a hose is far more effective and cheaper than a bidet.

Julian Williams ON: "Your Relationship To Your Testicles" by Julian Williams

When I was 17, I sat on my testicles accidentally in a high school psychology class. They were very swollen and plump for about a day and then it went away. At the time, I didn't tell anyone about this.

However, since this incident, my relationship with my testicles has become quite near and dear to my heart. They are the yin to my yang. They became ultra sensitive after this incident and have remained that way ever since. 

I feel them rustling in my briefs. Rife with wonder and fertility. 

If I jump or run at the gym, I can feel them glide through the air.

I air dry my body now, instead of using a towel after a shower. Why? Because my testicles can feel breezes in rooms with no open windows.

My testicles know when it's going to rain. They stir and tweak ever so softly...and I know it's finally spring time.

My relationship with my testicles, runs deep like the ocean and is as endless as space. 

One day they will wither and clam up and likely fall off. They will be useless, dead weight on my body and I will mourn them.

Until then, I sit on my room naked and celebrate our glorious union. A true "God Dream."

Julian Williams ON: "Stoplights" by Julian Williams

With stoplights, there are two type of people: people that "catch the lights" and people that don't.

People that catch the lights, catch ALL of the lights. Not just in their vehicles, but in life. Catching a stop light (essentially getting past a light before it turns red so you don't have to stop at all) is akin to the following: having no one sit next to you on an airplane, finding money in the street, actually psychically bumping into the person that will become your significant other, and noticing your child is very either smart very or very athletic vey early on.

You think you're speeding up to catch the light, but it doesn't matter. The light would have kept anyway. Some people just catch the lights in life. Others do not. We get tickets and it sucks a bit, especially if you don't live in that area. Your license is suspended after a few of these and you become someone that catches the bus. This. is. Not. Your. Fault. Life did this to you.

Julian Williams ON: "Robin Hood" by Julian Williams

I've always been very conflicted on Robin Hood. On one hand, he steals form the wealthy and distributes what he takes to the poor.

What causes me conflict is, like, the following:

- Who decides who gets what? Like what is the process for distributing stuff? Are some people poorer than others? Would this not create another separation of classes amongst the poor.

- How lax is the law in town if he can continually just steal from the richest people?

- If the law is very lax, why do they need to Robin Hood? There are, likely, way more poor people than there are rich. Just...take that shit.

- What percentage does Robin Hood get from what he takes? If it's none, this is literally the dumbest action ever. If you do something well, never do it for free. 

- Do all of the poor not work? Do they just wait for Robin to bring them stuff, use it however, and then just wait until he returns?

- Why aren't we focused on educating the poor? At a bare minimum, we should at least teach the poor to steal too.

I don't know. This is just shit that crosses my mind about this guy.

Julian Williams ON "Should I Move To New York?" by Julian Williams

New York City is both the greatest and worst place to live. Ever. 

After writing "ever", I realized that both of these statements might not be true. At all.

However, New York City creates and fosters people that can make these outlandish statements and play it off like they KNOW something. I have become one of them.

I think you should move to New York if you have a goal. Maybe not a plan, but an idea that you see yourself pursuing and, hopefully, attaining over time. If you move to New York City jus to move to New York City, this place will destroy you. It will eat you up and shit you out and then you'll have to crawl covered in shit to the train you want to take. It'll be late because the trains are never on time. And you're just covered in filth and realizing you know the couple a few feet away from you from a party someone brought you to in Gowanus. You don't know them very well and now they don't want to know you. It's very common.

This whole post is also written on the notion that we're talking about moving to New York CITY. If you just want to move to New York, it's a great state with excellent schools and a lot of great places to eat. 

Julian Williams ON: "Wheel of Fortune" by Julian Williams

I'm very into letting go of things. Memories. People. Possessions. Everything. I love change. 

We need to let go of this show. We need to get Wheel of Fortune off the air.

We have to...I don't know...there are real problems in our country. Black people are being killed. Our government may be run by an absolute lunatic. North Korea is constantly popping off. People live in fear of not being trusted my music producer Young Metro. Why are we still taking the time to this shit on the air?

I thought Pat Sajak was dead until I looked into more information on Wheel of Fortune. I literally thought he was no longer a living member of our society. I don't hope that he dies AT ALL. However, that's saying something when you think someone is dead and they're not. When you start just assuming someone is dead, without any sort of remorse, worry, or sadness....you need to evaluate that person's role in society.

Verdict: Wheel of Fortune is a waste of time, money, and attention.

Vanna white still fine though.

Julian Williams ON: "What Is The Best Pasta?" by Julian Williams

Two truths and lie: 

- I rarely eat pasta. Like ever.

- I don't enjoy the beach.

- I've seen Moulin Rouge 10+ times.

Take a minute.


I messed this up. These are all true. Moulin Rouge sick. I've been a big fan Ewan McGregor for a long time. AND John Leguizamo. I think John Leguizamo is one of the most underrated performers of our time. He just does SO much. His HBO specials are all so phenomenal. Nicole Kidman, who I rarely support, murders Moulin Rouge. I think it got a lot of respect, but I just think the film deserves so much more. It really holds up over time. If there was a sequel that came out tomorrow, I'd be the first in line. Are you kidding me? Moulin Rouge 2?! 2 Moulin, 2 Rouge? I'd see that shit so quickly. Baz Luhrmann is just short of an auteur and is someone I think does not get his due credit. Romeo + Juliet? The Get Down? The most recent Great Gatsby? Maybe they're not The Godfather, but he's visually one of the most compelling director EVER.

Oh, the pasta. Not really into pasta. I don't know. Fettuccine? No. Shells. I fucks with shells.

Julian Williams ON: "Aubrey Plaza" by Julian Williams

I'm going to be completely real on this one: Aubrey Plaza is probably a really nice person who's great to be around and fiercely loyal to those close to her.

She just comes off like the type of person that does A LOT to hide that.

I can't tell you how much of this is based on literally nothing at all. It's also really hot in my apartment and that's tough for me right now. I'm probably not in the best mood.

However, I feel like it could be a very cool temperature in Aubrey Plaza's apartment and she's never in the best mood. She seems cold and distant and it appears to be by choice. Her character on Parks and Recreation, which I have only seen maybe 9-10 episodes of, doesn't seem to far from her personality. It almost seems to be the character she plays in everything she's in. Like, rarely is George Clooney NOT George Clooney in his work. Some people can just do that. And people love it. I don't think people enjoy when Aubrey Plaza does it.

Again, don't know her. Don't know anything about her. Never met her. Probably will never meet her.

I feel like she knows a lot of good pizza restaurants though. If I had her number and needed a pizza recommendation, I feel like she'd text back "Where R U?" The only person I have on par with this is my old roommate Chris in regard to sandwiches in NYC.

Julian Williams ON: "Crepes v. Pancakes v. Waffles v. French Toast" by Julian Williams

Oh, wow. This is nuts. I have so many feelings and so little time before work to write this. OK. This is actually the most honest I can ever be:

Pancakes < Crepes < French Toast < Waffles.


Pancakes are so basic. Pancakes are just batter circles no one took the time to do anything creative with. I often make pancake, but I like to add chocolate chips or blueberries or something interesting. Otherwise, I think they're a waste of time.

I don't mess with crepes. Our country is terribly, nearly irreversibly messed up. However, I support America. Crepes, to my knowledge, are from NOT America. I don't go to NOT American countries and throw hamburgers at people. Don't run up on me with some crepes, bruh.

There's some thought that went into french toast. Not too much, because the shit is actually not toast at all. However, the vanilla extract that's usually utilized, the combination of egg and bread to make a sweet treat. The overall fluffy v crispy texture that can be associated with them. There's more to french toast than people think.

Waffles are for winners. Waffles are the only contestants in this contest that can hold other food in them. You can literally put sweet, hot, spicy, savory, and chicken flavored foods in waffles. They are brilliantly made for this. Like someone saw the above 3 choices and was like "Why can't we put more stuff in them? They should have compartments for various things. And then we had waffles. Ego has tried to taint the nature of waffles for some time.(Similar to what Subway has done to sandwiches.) I don't mind, though. It's all food.

Julian Williams ON "The Best Verse On a Hip Hop Song" by Julian Williams

Best and worst are subjective adjectives we use frequently to qualify our tastes for other people. Usually, needlessly. I don't particularly believe in a best or worst anything. My worst day on this earth, might be someone's best day. Then again, it may just be another Tuesday. I encourage you to think a bit more when you use "best" or "worst." Or don't. There's nothing really to worry about regardless.

That being said, these are my favorite hip hop verses of all time. I don't know if they're the "best", but they resonate with me.

Eminem - 2nd Verse on "Renegade"

See I'm a poet to some, a regular modern day Shakespeare
Jesus Christ the King of these Latter Day Saints here
To shatter the picture in which of that as they paint me
As a monger of hate and Satan a scatter-brained atheist
But that ain't the case, see it's a matter of taste
We as a people decide if Shady's as bad as they say he is
Or is he the latter - a gateway to escape?
Media scapegoat, who they can be mad at today
See it's easy as cake, simple as whistlin Dixie
While I'm wavin the pistol at sixty Christians against me
Go to war with the Mormons, take a bath with the Catholics
In holy water - no wonder they try to hold me under longer
I'm a motherfuckin spiteful, delightful eyeful
The new Ice Cube motherfuckers hate to like you
What did I do? I'm just a kid from the gutter

Makin this butter off these bloodsuckers, cause I'm a muh'fuckin

Andre 3000 (Outkast) - "Rosa Parks"

I met a gypsy and she hipped me to some life game
To stimulate then activate the left and right brain
Said, baby boy, you only funky as your last cut
You focus on the past your ass'll be a has what
That's one to live by or either that one to die to
I try to just throw it at you Determine your own adventure

Andre, got to her station here's my destination
She got off the bus, the conversation lingered in my head for hours
Took a shower kinda sour 'cause my favorite group ain't comin' with it
But I'm witcha you cause you probably goin through it anyway
But anyhow when in doubt went on out and bought it
'Cause I thought it would be jammin'
But examine all the flawsky, wawsky
Awfully, it's sad and it's costly, but that's all she wrote
And I hope I never have to float in that boat
Up shit creek it's weak is the last quote
That I want to hear when I'm goin' down when all's said and done
And we got a new Joe in town
When the record player get to skippin' and slowin' down
All yawl can say is them niggas earned that crown but until then

El-P (Run The Jewels) - "A Christmas Fucking Miracle"

That was me in BK on Atlantic
Never looked both ways, ran in traffic
Pops went away but I stayed, vagrant
Placed where the steel and cement became nature
Love what you did with the place, it looks gorgeous
Cityscape where the blood of good men courses
And the dreamers are bull trapped in porcelain
Take a knee to the gods and get horse shit
Wanna live for the thrill? They'll arrange it
Got a bevy of imps to spit hatred
Shit'll get in your head and cause panic
Have you desperately begging to get famous
Get your dignity dirty and left orphaned
Sanity on the fringe of distorted
Who are they to just take shit and hoard it?
Who am I that I don't get my portion?
The most impressionable minds get molested
And informed by manipulating forces
Don't fret little man, don't cry
They can never take the energy inside you were born with
Knowing that, understand you could never be poor
You already won the war, you were born rich

You can only take the energy you had
Going back to the realm or the home where your lord is
Whoever whatever that lord is couldn't
Give a fuck if you ever made fortunes
Fuck anyone ever trying to run that bum shit
Send 'em to the flames where the orcs live
Them and the lost minds thinking they're smarter than us
Don't understand love's importance
And we can weaponize that, bring 'em back to the truth
Where the ashes and dust got formed in

Julian Williams ON: "Julian Williams" by Julian Williams

"People are always talking about freedom.

Freedom to live a certain way, without being kicked around.

'Course the more you live a certain way, the less it feel like freedom.

Me, um, I can change during the course of a day.

I wake and I'm one person, when I go to sleep I know for certain I'm somebody else.

I don't know who I am most of the time."

Julian Williams ON "Lady Gaga's New Song 'I'm Bald'" by Julian Williams

I tried to look this song up and I'm pretty sure it does not exist or does not exist yet. I really looked for it, too. Sorry to whoever suggested!

I don't know the names of any Lady Gaga songs to be completely honest. She, as an artist, is a real mystery to me. I don't really know she stand for besides being outlandish. However, that has become the "deal" these days: If you're weird enough, that's just kind of what you stand for.

I think "I'm Bald" is a terrible name for a song. Not even for obvious reasons. I hate the "I'm" part really. Natalie Imbruglia's hit song "Torn" would be hated if it was called "I'm Torn". Johnny Cash would be shit on if it was called "I'm Hurt." Nobody wants to hear Dr. Dre's "I'm Still D.R.E."

I will be on the lookout for "I'm bald", but not really. That's the truth. I will try, but hardly and I likely won't care once it drops. I think lots of people will enjoy it. It'd be cool if she shaved her head to go along with it.

Oh, shit, unless she already shaved her head?! I'm going to post this in suspense and look it up after I publish and not state my emotions about it. But I really hope she IS bald.


Julian Williams ON "Qdoba v. Chipotle" by Julian Williams

Chipotle is a very beloved burrito faux-Spanish burrito chain. I have had Chipotle on a handful of occasions and generally don't enjoy it.

I don't know what Qdoba is. I assume it's another faux-Spanish restaurant chain.

Every Chipotle burrito I've ever ordered has devolved into some shitty mess by the time I reach the middle. I used to think this was based on my technique, but now I think they just kind of suck.

I've never had any food from Qdoba.

The nature of Chipotle's ordering process has always been a little jarring for me. You have to deal with like 3-5 people to make your food. And everything has to go so quick. I don't like snap judgments about food, but Chipotle has created a business out of it.

I don't know how you get food at Qdoba. I assume it's the same process. Maybe it's like Chili's and a bit more of a sit down? Maybe not. Again: no idea.

I find the menu selection at Chipotle very limited and not that appetizing. I'm often surprised it does as well as it does considering there are so many great Spanish restaurants with incredible selections (in NYC, at least).

I don't know Qdoba's menu. It actually kind of sounds like the name of a start-up company.

Julian Williams ON: "Rick Moranis" by Julian Williams

There was a brief period of time where I took films for what they were. Every movie to movie to me was essentially documentary told in real time. "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" was terrifying for these reasons.

This is essentially the biggest threat, to me, that a parent could make to a child. Listen to me OR I will shrink you and leave you in the yard. This threat even goes beyond familial relationships. If this could be done, the world would be in a constant cold war. Loan us money or we'll shrink you. Give us resources or we'll shrink you. back us up in this or we'll shrink the shit out of you

This, in my head, was perpetuated by Rick Moranis' stellar performance in the film. I had to look up if he was nominated for anything or won anything for this role. He did not. However, Moranis' portrayal of a genius inventor and concerned father made the film bigger than what it was and it was already one of the KEY moments in cinematic history.

In SAT terms, Rick Moranis is to Honey I Shrunk The Kids as Orson Welles is to Citizen Kane.

Julian Williams ON: "People In Whole Foods" by Julian Williams

People shopping in general are awful. People shopping for food are unbearable. People shopping in Whole Foods are the absolute worst.

They never know what they want and they shuffle their feet in a way that begs to be screamed at. People that shop in Whole Foods are either never in a rush to be anywhere because they're trying to die in Whole Foods OR completely unsure of what they are doing in life. Everyone walking in Whole Foods looks like they have are having a really terrible existential crisis. 60 people pondering the universe in a (usually) poorly setup organic grocery store is literally torture.

I only go to Whole Foods for their superior vitamins and supplements. However, I won't lie: when I do go and shop for pills, I become one of these people. Easily. I put my finger on my mouth and stand looking down, in someone's way, at stuff I already know about. And I think long and hard about my place in the world and if vitamin B should cost THIS much.

Julian Williams ON: "State Birds" by Julian Williams

Fucking ridiculous.

I don't understand why we do this at all. There are so many thing to figure out in life and with our country and taking the time to individually give each state a bird is a waste of time.

I do, however, believe that it'd be cool to give countries birds and continents whatever animal they should choose.

EVEN BIGGER BS REPORT: I did some research, which I never do, and a bunch of states have the same state bird. Like, they didn't event take the time to try. Some states have 2, which seems repetitive. Pick a bird and stick with it. Don't be a loser, finicky state. 

I think each state should have a celebrity that we put into a Hunger Games Type of situation. Maybe more like survivor. I don't want anyone to die. However, friendly competition between whole states would be pretty healthy, in my opinion.

Or it would lead a 2nd (and drastically more advanced) Civil War.

Julian Williams ON: "What's On Your Weekly Grocery List?" by Julian Williams

I do not believe in going places with a list. Buying food must occur in the moment. You don't go into a restaurant saying, "I'm going to have this and a side of that and I will have it organized on my plate in this way." If you do, you likely eat alone often. (Which is "fine.") However, you go and you scan the menu. This is how I handle grocery stores.

If I had to think about it offhand, this is legit what I grab at the overpriced grocery store near my home:

- apples

- bananas (Very rarely do I eat these. They're more for show in the house. Like, I COULD make a sick smoothie. I won't, but I COULD.)

- strawberries

- blueberries or blackberries

- Chicken thigh/breast

- seltzer water (This has become a recent love of mine and I only drink it because it makes me feel classy. Although, I drink it from a can while laying on my floor on Saturday mornings.

- coffee

- milk

- popcorn (I eat more popcorn that most humans on the planet because I believe it to be god's candy. Popcorn is so good. Specifically Pop Secret Home Style, which has a moderate amount of butter and slight pinches of salt. I'm a snob. You have your shit, too.)

- Cheap juice. Juice should not cost as much as it does. If you notice, all the shit to make your own juice is in the grocery store. 

- Yams. Yams are incredible and just bat shit ugly. Just disgusting looking things. But look it up: Yams or sweet potatoes are incredible for your body.

If I'm feeling it, I like to by Lunchables and relive my fat childhood.

Julian Williams ON: "Dating Deal Breakers" by Julian Williams

These are my dating deal breakers in a shitty Buzzfeed-esqe list. They are gendered towards a women, but I was gay I'd make them for men. I don't know. People are weird about that shit now. I don't care.:

- If she can't make decisions for herself. If I have to choose the day, the time, the area we'll go, what we'll eat, and what we'll do, I'm done. I'm honestly exhausted from writing all of that.

- Too much conversation. Shut up for a second. I'm looking for the movie theater.

- If she refers to people she knows and I don't, but talks about them like we are all friends. I have 5 friends and you don't know them.

- Accents. Lose that accent, Diana. You live in Chelsea, not France.

- How she chews food or gum. If I can hear it, we done.

- Don't finish my sentences. We're having a conversation. I know what I'm going to say. You don't need to tell me what I'm going to say.

- Being into Mumford & Sons.

- Endurance/Speed. I need to know if she can run. If shit goes down, and I have to break away, can you keep up? If not, you will get left.

- If she talks like a child. Or has one.

- Siblings.